You'll Never Know What Hit You
by roktavor
Summary: It's a typical night on the job, up until Josuke ends up lying on top of an uncomfortably handsome thief. (superhero AU)


**A/N:** For Josuyasu week day 6 prompt: AU.

This one was the most fun to write by far…I've always wanted to write a JJBA superhero AU, but I don't have the writing chops for an epic multichapter, so. Here's this!

* * *

 **You'll Never Know What Hit You**

It's a typical night on the job, up until Josuke ends up lying on top of an uncomfortably handsome thief.

The dude's wearing a full-face mask, sure, but Josuke is close enough to see his eyes, and more than close enough to feel thick muscles through bulky clothes. That's plenty, at this range.

He blinks down at equally shocked brown eyes (with thick, dark lashes) for a moment before gathering himself. Turning the awkward position into a full-on pinning only takes a couple minute changes of position, and then Josuke is firmly planted atop him, arm pressed over his throat and a knee low on his stomach.

"You're not going anywhere," he says, Echoes' cacophony of noises cluttering the background of the convenience store.

Still, the handsome wannabe villain just stares.

"Not very talkative, are ya? I'm not crushin' your windpipe or anythin'…."

Slowly, the man who'd previously been trying to rob the place lifts a trembling right hand, shakily reaching for Josuke. He's moving at such a snail's pace that Josuke watches him with furrowed brows for half a moment before snatching that wrist with lightning fast reflexes and pinning it down, too.

There's a glove on this hand, with odd circular patterns on the palm. His other hand is bare, and Josuke ponders his powerset. Just now, he'd been hauled forward – and a number of items careened off of their shelves – by an invisible force that originated from this gloved right hand. It's probably not a good idea to let it touch him, he decides.

"Seriously, dude," better to trash talk instead, at least while Koichi finishes off the other guy, "I don't know what your deal is, but you're not very good at this."

It's hard to tell behind the ski mask fabric, but Josuke thinks the robber might be frowning. Caught by a superhero – one of the _Joestars_ , no less – and he's _pouting_. Just who is this guy? He's obviously new to the job, or at least the area. Josuke would remember eyes like these.

" _Crazy Diamond_!"

That's Echoes' voice, and Josuke hears the whine of incoming… _something_ a moment later, throwing himself off of the bad guy and rolling over the floor. He's just in time to dodge incoming projectiles (were those miniature _missiles?!_ ), but his captive wasn't so lucky. That broad torso is bleeding, which is a shame – but also Josuke knows he's gotta get outta here quick. A fleet of tiny helicopters is hovering closer by the second, so he scrambles to his feet and darts around the corner.

"Echoes? Where are you?" This store is decidedly pint-sized, so his partner can't be that far. He ducks down another aisle, this one infested with a battalion of little tanks, bizarrely enough.

"Here, Diamond!" Koichi – or, rather, his ability – chokes out unnecessarily.

Josuke can see from here the way Koichi is dangling, held up by the throat at the hands of the other robber. He's clawing to get loose, repeated calls for Josuke echoing around the store.

"Nice outfit," Less Handsome Bad Guy sneers.

All of the tanks turn their gun barrels towards Josuke's end of the aisle, and he can hear the high-pitched drone of a half dozen mini-copters zooming their way towards the fight.

 _Great_ , Josuke thinks. He'd just wanted a snack while on patrol – he didn't count on some second rate villains holding up a local 7/11, underestimating Koichi, insulting Josuke's specially designed suit….

"Better than yours," Josuke snorts, crossing his arms. They opted for the most cliché garb from Villains R Us, and he's nitpicking clothes? Please. "Hope you're not planning on wasting all your ammo on me, 'cause you've got bigger problems."

"Wha – shit!" Less Handsome Bad Guy drops Koichi, letting him topple to the floor. He swats frantically at his hands, as if trying to put out a fire, but there's no erasing the handful of 'sizzle' markings plastered to his wrists. "The fuck did you do?!"

Koichi ducks under the clumsy swipe thrown at him, using the tanks as stepping stones, burdening each one with a 'CRUNCH' stamp that flattens them as he goes. They don't even have time to redirect their fire before he's at Josuke's side, returning the offered high five.

"Nice goin', Echoes," Josuke says, grinning. "Why were you calling me, though?"

"Well," Koichi dusts off his front, rubbing at his bruising throat, "I had to warn you about the helicopters, and I thought you'd be better suited to face his –"

The sound of miniature machine guns opening fire hits them about the same time as Josuke is hit by something _much_ heavier and knocked aside. He slams into the floor, hundreds of tiny bullets missing him, but judging by the way Koichi cries out, they don't miss _him_.

On top of Josuke is, of course, Handsome Bad Guy.

"Dude, what the hell?!"

"You're my enemy," Handsome Bad Guy says, although he sounds more like he's trying to convince himself of that, "so stay away from my brother!"

Baddie is still bleeding, and it drips onto Josuke's previously-pretty-clean super suit. "Oh, so you're brothers?"

" _Hand_ ," comes a howl from down the aisle, "you moron, just shut up and erase him!"

Raising his eyebrows, Josuke coils in anticipation of an attack. He's gotta get to Koichi and fix him up – the lack of sound in the room except for miniature army noises is unnerving as hell. "Shitty brother you got there, man."

A punch lands on his face, noticeably thrown with Handsome Bad Guy's ungloved _left_ fist, and pathetically weak to boot. "Sh-shut up!"

Josuke twists his body, drawing up his knees. He kicks his opponent away from himself with just enough force to send him sprawling into an ice cream cooler.

If he pumps a bit of fix-it into the attack, it's no one's business but his own – he just feels bad for the guy, and he's _handsome_ , and if circumstances were slightly different, Josuke might be leaning casually against a wall while asking 'What's somebody like you doing in a profession like this?'

As it is, the situation is dire, what with Koichi unconscious and prooobably full of holes. On his feet, Josuke sprints around the endcap he'd been tackled in front of.

There's Koichi, on the ground in a puddle of blood, and there's Less Handsome Bad Guy, looming over him and surrounded by those stupid helicopters and the couple tanks that survived the 'CRUNCH'.

Less Handsome Bad Guy looks up, but Josuke is faster. In one move, he touches Koichi's forehead to restore him and throws all his weight at the villain who dared harm his friend. It's a more graceful tackle than the one he himself had been victim to just a moment ago, but they still hit the ground hard.

Remembering what Jotaro told him about not wasting momentum, or whatever, Josuke goes ahead and sinks three punches to the guy's nose before he's dive-bombed by a helicopter and has to hit that instead. It shatters under his fist, but the moment is enough for him to be tossed aside by Less Handsome Bad Guy.

Rolling toward the shelves, Josuke realizes too late that there's no escaping the missiles launched at him, and they explode on impact with the shelving unit just above his head. It teeters and falls while Josuke's ears are still ringing, and when it lands on him he's sure he blacks out, only conscious enough to feel itty bitty shrapnel pushed into his skin with the force of it.

The next thing he knows, the weight is gone, and he's awake, blinking stupidly up at the wide eyes of Handsome Bad Guy. They stay like that for a handful of breaths, Josuke choking on his a little thanks to whatever the hell kind of dust comes from smashing the chip aisle.

Handsome Bad Guy's just standing there, right hand raised, a mark on his cheek reading 'SMACK'.

"Diamond!"

" _Hand_!"

The voices reach them at the same time, and Josuke hauls himself to his feet just as 'Hand' is swept off of his.

Taking stock of his hurts can wait, for now it's probably best to get out of here. There are police sirens in the distance, half of the store is a shattered mess (with 'Hand'some Bad Guy currently lying on top of it, pinned by Echoes' gravitational pull), and Less Handsome Bad Guy looks to be raging, 'sizzle' marks scattered all over his person now.

"Echoes, let's bounce," Josuke says, sprinting for the nearest hole in the wall.

Koichi isn't far behind him, climbing over rubble as they vacate the premises. "My thoughts exactly."

The angry shouting of Less Handsome Bad Guy pursues them, as well as the sound of those damned helicopters, launching their missiles, because _of course_ they are.

Half turning as he runs, Josuke meets the missiles with his fist this time, ignoring the sting as they explode and fixing them _just so_ with his favorite return to sender trick. They zoom back into the already-tattered convenience store, and Josuke cackles at the resulting explosion. It blows out the last of the store's windows, even.

Koichi shakes his head like he disapproves, but there's a grin on his face.

High on adrenaline and lowkey hoping Handsome Bad Guy is okay, Josuke sprints off into the night.

x

"So, you blew up a convenience store."

Josuke winces, and it's only partially due to the feeling of shrapnel transforming to meld seamlessly with his skin. "Not _exactly_ …only kinda."

There's a soft noise from Giorno that sounds almost like a scoff. "There's no 'kind of' blowing something up." His fingers skim down Josuke's side from behind, prodding until he leans to the left to better expose his injuries.

"Fine," Josuke grumbles, definitely not pouting, "I blew up a convenience store."

Giorno is quiet for a long moment, but Josuke can picture that tiny, self-satisfied smile he gets. There's also the sound of gauze unrolling, and then a strip of it is pressed to Josuke's side, stretched over a cut. It starts to morph into his skin as Giorno attaches it, turning it to flesh.

The whole process stings, and it's no wonder Giorno prefers to let Josuke heal him than use his own powers on himself. Unfortunately, this is Josuke's only option – but it's better than natural healing, he supposes.

"…How do you fuck up that badly?" Giorno asks at last. "It was just a little robbery."

Josuke's blush is immediate, and he ducks his head away from Giorno's line of sight. "I was, uh, distracted."

At the start, Josuke really hadn't thought Handsome Bad Guy – Hand, he's gotta start calling him by his official name already – would be so much of a problem. And maybe he wasn't, maybe Josuke was just seriously off his game, maybe his lack of experience is shining through, or maybe those brothers had been a _bit_ more intense than your average convenience store holdup guy.

"Did someone insult your hair?" Giorno guesses.

"Don't even joke about that, man."

Giorno climbs off of his bed, where he'd been sitting cross-legged behind Josuke, and steps around in front of him. As Josuke had been imagining, there's a tiny smirk on his lips. He taps his fingers on Josuke's shoulders to get him to lean back, and then starts dealing with the frontal damage.

"Then what?"

Shit, Josuke can't tell him. He'll get judged so hard. "It's embarrassing."

Giorno rolls his eyes, a gesture that's so unlike him that Josuke almost laughs before he can help it.

Diligently, Giorno keeps quiet and continues his work, rubbing his thumb over a bandage on Josuke's hip, transforming more gauze to patch up a scratch on his chest, getting inquisitive hands shooed away from a bruise on Josuke's ribs.

"Alright fine," Josuke huffs after about two minutes. The ache to spill overwhelms his fear of what Giorno will think of him. "One of the guys was really hot, okay?"

"Weren't they wearing ski masks?" Giorno, of course, doesn't miss a beat. Josuke isn't even gonna ask how he knows that – Giorno has a habit of _just knowing_ things, and in most cases, it's better not to question it, lest you unwittingly become his accomplice secret-keeper.

"Yeah, but he was built, I could feel it."

Giorno's lips press together in an amused line, and Josuke flicks at his stupid golden curls until he stops laughing. His hand is grabbed, scrutinized, cured of hangnails, and then released.

"Plus," Josuke continues as Giorno cups his jaw, tipping his head to take stock of the cuts there, "he had gorgeous eyes. Didn't even need to see his whole face to know he was handsome as shit…I'd recognize those eyes anywhere."

"So are you going to hunt them down?" Giorno seals up a scrape above Josuke's eyebrow, miniscule frown forming when he looks at Josuke's cheek.

Probably unimpressed with the pathetic excuse for a bruise there, Josuke guesses. "Well…" he hems and haws, biting his lip.

There's a short, huffing sigh from Giorno. "You know Jotaro and the others will make you."

"Yeah, but –"

"Especially since you could've fixed the convenience store, but you were too busy _blowing it up_ and _running away_."

"Yeah, I know, geez! Rub it in, why don't ya." Josuke frowns at the ground, fiddling with the top half of his suit that's currently pooled around his waist. "'Sides, he bled on my suit. I'll be able to find him, easy."

Giorno sits down heavily next to Josuke. "And fall _more_ in love with a villain?"

Josuke's face flushes again, and he sputters for an embarrassing moment before he thinks of an _amazing_ comeback: "What about Sex Pistols?"

"That's different," Giorno says, almost before Josuke is finished speaking.

"Yeah? Not according to – mpff!" The rest of his words are muffled by the pillow that smacks into his face, toppling him backwards onto the bed.

x

Twenty four hours and approximately twenty _thousand_ lectures later, Josuke is perched on the roof of a rundown apartment complex. It's two in the morning, the weather is just the wrong side of chilly, and Josuke is regretting his life choices.

 _Koichi_ doesn't have to come out here and freeze his ass off, oh no. _He_ gets away scot-free, for reasons such as "Josuke, you were the one to pick the fight," and, "your poor planning led to the explosion that's put the employee's livelihood on hold," and, "you have restorative powers and yet left the building a complete mess," and so on and so forth. Whatever else Jotaro, Jonathan, and even _Kakyoin_ had rattled off.

(Joseph had been suspiciously absent, that traitorous bastard. Probably off laughing in a corner somewhere.)

As much as he loves patrolling at night, Josuke is not a fan of the cold.

He's also not wild about the prospect of confronting Handsome Bad Guy.

…Well, actually, seeing Handsome Bad Guy again is something he's looking forward to, albeit nervously. It's just that he doesn't want to see him to _fight_ him, although that's what he's supposed to be doing. Seek justice to amend his mistake, blah blah.

But the SPW foundation has already compensated that little 7/11 for their losses, and is overseeing the reconstruction, so what's the big deal?

In Josuke's humble opinion, he should be able to ask for Handsome Bad Guy's number and _not_ have to drop him off at the police station.

Still, here he is, for one reason or another, staked out and shivering on the rooftop that the blood had led him to. The guilty party is on the sidewalk, carrying some kind of fabric bag and heading towards –

Oh shit he's gone.

Josuke peers over the edge, staring at the spot that Hand had occupied less than thirty seconds ago. Where the hell did he get to so fast? Was it something to do with his power? Probably.

Is Josuke in trouble for finding and losing the guy in a matter of five minutes? Definitely.

From behind him, there's a strange noise (like a couple distorted bass thumps?), and Josuke whips around in time to see his target land heavily on the roof. Handsome Bad Guy stumbles through his graceless landing, somehow managing to steady himself and not fall over.

 _Fuck_ , Josuke thinks, settling into a fighting stance, _I was right_. Because he really is handsome, more so than Josuke predicted, even. His good looks are the rugged kind, with an angular jaw, sharp cheekbones, and a nose that looks like it was broken at some point. The look is completed with two facial scars, half-moon mirrors of each other that stretch from his forehead the whole way down. And he has those _eyes_. Good hair, too, which is absolutely a plus.

Handsome Bad Guy blinks at him, bare left hand twisting around his fabric bag, gloved right hand half raised palm out. "Were you followin' me, Crazy Diamond?"

Ah, that gravelly voice. Josuke's stomach flips, and he wills his stupid piece of shit idiot teenage hormones to _calm down_.

"Of course, Handso – Hand!" Smooth save there. Really gotta start calling this guy buy his preferred villain name rather than the name Josuke's been calling him in his head.

Hand is giving him an inquisitive look.

Better save face.

"What's in the bag?" Josuke asks, in his best authoritative tone as he feigns a casual stroll closer. He's wary of that right hand, still, and thinks maybe keeping his approach cautious is a good idea. (See? He can still keep his wits about him.)

Hand's left hand, still clutching the boxy bag, comes up to mirror his right in a clear show of surrender. "It's groceries, dude, I swear! I'm just trying to get home, but I can't let you see our hideout…bro would kill me…."

He's so _cute_ , Josuke can't really take it. "Groceries, huh?"

"I paid for 'em! Promise!" Hand frowns, probably that same pout he'd been wearing back during the convenience store heist.

"With what money, I wonder?" Josuke asks, because, unfortunately, he's still got a job to do here, and stealing is still wrong. Even if you are fine as hell.

There's a blush that fans out over Hand's cheeks, and his eyes slip off to the side. "…We can't all be backed by the Speedwagon Foundation," he mumbles. His fingers curl in a little, shoulder's slumping.

 _Great_. Now Josuke feels bad. "Look, it's not – they don't cover _all_ my expenses…."

Heaving a sigh, Hand drops his hands back to his sides. His frown goes crooked and remorseful as he stares down at his fingers twisted in the handle of what Josuke now identifies as a reusable grocery bag. "I don't like stealin'," he confesses, "but it's hard to get a job when…."

Gaze still lowered, Hand's brow is furrowed. Josuke tries and fails to ignore the pangs of sympathy he keeps feeling, but there's no such luck to be had.

"When..?" he prompts, but Hand stays resolutely silent.

And that's all they do, for probably the next ten minutes. Hand stands there, looking lost in thought, and Josuke tries to convince himself to attack – or maybe just reason. But he can't bring himself to go all superhero on this forlorn guy who's shown no genuine animosity during either of their brief encounters. As far as he can tell, Hand is one very reluctant villain.

"How'd you recognize me, anyway?" Hand asks eventually, squinting at Josuke and tilting his head like a puppy.

"Uh –" Josuke can't very well tell him that, now can he? 'You were just so hot that I've seared the memory of your physique and facial structure into my brain' is a downright creepy thing to say, which isn't the vibe he wants to give off at all. "I'm good with faces," he settles on eventually. _Especially one as handsome as yours,_ he doesn't say.

"Oh…makes sense I guess." Hand touches his cheek, as if testing his own distinctiveness. "I think I'd recognize you without your mask, too," he continues, gesturing to his face by way of demonstration, "it's just around your eyes, and you have a ni – um, a…memorable face. And cool hair. "

Unless Josuke is very much mistaken Hand is _blushing_ as he talks. He can feel himself doing the same, because he didn't miss that slip. Plus the hair comment! Hopefully his cheeks were already red from the cold.

Josuke can't fight his smile, but he tries to tone it down at least, clearing his throat. "Thanks," he says, without thinking. "I mean. Please don't track down my secret identity." He's one of the few Joestars who still has something like one of those, after all (virtue of being an illegitimate child).

"I won't!" Hand insists.

"Good," Josuke says with a nod.

The conversation kinda dies again, and Hand shuffles on his feet. Josuke catches himself casting around for small talk options, realizes he's being ridiculous, and settles on doing the hero work he actually came here for.

"It's a good thing you won't forget me," he says, hands on his hips, "because one way or another, you're gonna pay for that robbery." (Fuck that didn't sound _suggestive_ , did it? He hopes not.)

Hand's brows furrow. "Bro says those places have insurance."

"Yeah, but it's still illegal to steal from them," Josuke reminds him. "Not to mention the property damage."

"You're the one who blew the place up."

…Well. He's not _wrong_. Josuke frowns. "They were your brother's missiles."

As though that fact is completely irrelevant, Hand simply shrugs. "You're still the one who sent 'em back. And you can fix stuff, right?"

The unspoken 'why didn't you fix the convenience store' hangs between then for half a moment.

"If you guys hadn't tried to rob the place –" Josuke starts, but cuts himself off with a sigh, realizing he's doing what Jotaro would refer to as 'getting stuck in your own childish argument'. "Look, you know what you did was illegal, so…just…."

His momentum is stolen by the fact that Hand doesn't really appear to be listening anymore. His empty hand is fiddling with the zipper of his jacket, and he keeps glancing up at Josuke. Shy, like he expects him to be gone, or to attack, maybe. "C-can I ask you something?"

Again thrown for a loop, Josuke finds himself relaxing his posture. He takes a step closer, even, frustration evaporated just like that. "Sure," he answers, again without putting enough thought into it.

"Why'd you heal me?"

Oh.

This is much easier to answer honestly than the face question was.

"Y'just didn't strike me as a bad guy," Josuke says, meeting warm, brown eyes. From this distance, he can tell that he's actually a bit taller than Hand. "There wasn't any reason for you to stay hurt."

Those eyes tear up, then, and Hand wipes his face on his sleeve. "…You're nice," he mumbles a moment later, peeking over the fabric at Josuke.

Aaaand there goes Josuke's heart. There is absolutely no way he'll be able to complete this mission to the authorities' satisfaction. He'd rather throw _himself_ in jail than get someone as genuine as Hand in trouble…well, alright, maybe not that far, but. He can feel himself edging closer to that the more time they spend together.

In the end, Josuke can't resist. Reaching over, he pats one of those solid shoulders, passing on more of his ability as a general fix-what-ails-you. "Stay out of trouble," he says, tilting his head in a way he knows makes the moonlight glint off of his diamond earrings and offering the most charming grin in his arsenal.

Hand blinks up at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes. Opens his mouth, closes it again. He's the cutest "villain" Josuke's ever seen.

"See ya," Josuke turns to leave, then, tossing a wave over his shoulder as he strolls to the side of the roof with fire escape access.

"Y-you're not gonna fight me?"

"Nope! Got, uh, places to be." He hops onto the metal staircase. "Have a good night, Hand."

"…It's 'The' Hand, actually!" That gruff voice calls after him, and Josuke can't help but smile. "There's a 'The', so…um." He's still talking, even though Josuke is out of sight, halfway down the first flight of stairs. "G-goodnight! And thanks!"

Ahhh…Josuke is so fucked.

…And very probably grounded.

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 **A/N:** There was more to this, but I chopped so much of it off, bc I felt it got unnecessary and strayed from the point OTL (If this felt cheesy at any time that was completely intentional and a result of me reading too many random Marvel comics.)

…Also, yeah, their superpowers are their stand abilities and their stand names are their hero/villain names. And yes Josuke absolutely is running around in bright pink and blue spandex.

Title is lyrics from I Want You by Savage Garden bc _of course_ it is aaand I couldn't pick a song title that fit this time haha.

Thanks for reading!


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